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- The Parody"
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Before
I get into this here essay, it's time for viewer mail!! Yippee!
POSITIVE RESPONSES:
"...i really enjoyes your site its sooo funny, you are a great writer....."
- BRIAN HAAS
(he has a broken arm)
"...but you need an 80 average just to be nominated....." - SHAWN
AHMED
NEGATIVE RESPONSES:
"You suck Will. What the (kinda bad word) do you think your doing bad mouthing
people in your essays. That just proves that you suck (comical new bad
word)." - DEVIN SHIELDS
Remember,
always feel free to send me
your comments! If you don't want them posted, be sure to tell me because
I get a HUGE kick out of this. I will even send you a response!
Insanity
A View from the Solarium RETRACTION: I now consider it a privilege to call Devin Shields my friend, and you gotta admit he had a point. More Dave Barry ripping... especially the HA HA HA bit...
Well, March Break is here and gone, so my dad, as he too was a high school student once, has a few words to say to us as we go back to the gulag:
HA HA HA YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL IN TWO DAYS AND I DON'T NAH NAH NEENER NAH HA HA SEE YA SUCKERS
This
article is called "Insanity" because it's both what the article is about
and my clinical condition, or so people think, on the rather risky assumption
that people who doubt my mental integrity actually think.
On another note, this is my first 'paper less' essay, written entirely
on my uncle's computer in Prince Edward
Island! At his house. Where my aunt controls the 'heat'. I use the
computer here quite a bit because it's the only appliance around here that
generates heat and doesn't have a thermostat. That is a good thing for
me, because if it did, my aunt would crank it down too.
Back home, our attitude towards the heat is: "Hey! The thermostat goes
all the way up to 90º! We could be wearing shorts!"
Here, Aunty checks her nurse's manual for the absolute minimum temperature
required to sustain human life and adjusts the thermostat accordingly.
Four days ago, the neighbors wanted to let their kids outside to play,
so they phoned us up to ask us to close our windows to keep the cold in.
We keep the car outside so it won't freeze in the garage.
But back to my original point, this essay is titled "Insanity" as a means
to explain to people my reasoning as to why I'm so F-Wording mean to people
in the halls. You see, I'm always a bit on edge at school, so I sometimes
growl, snort, phallic gesture, or even ignore people who wasted their stupid
time trying to greet me. I don't always mean to do such horrid things.
It's not your fault, it's the fault of the people who mock me.
<Will walks in lobby>
"Hey Sweet Tits!"
<Smile and ignore>
"Gimme them tits, Will!"
<Smile and ignore>
"Heeeeeyyyyyy Wiiiiilllll..."
<Smile and ignore>
"Is your web site part of www.gay.com?"
<Smile and ignore, reflecting that Geocities
COULD be a sister site....>
"Your site sucks Will!"
<Smile and ignore>
"Run Will, run!"
<Smile and ignore>
"Hey Will, how are ya-"
<"F-Word you, you G-Word D-Word B-Word F-Word off you.... you...
loser!">
So
as you idiots can see, it's quite important to catch me early in the day
when I'm not as moody, even though I'm taking medication to circumvent
violent outbursts. I take a small 20,000mg dose of Ritalin every morning,
and it helps a little.
I spent March Break very constructively, by which I mean I spent the whole
time crying over my OOA. No, seriously, I went
to New Brunswick with my aunt
and uncle to pick up my grandmother. While there, I experienced skiing
for the 11th time at a place that from this point forward I will refer
to as "Poley Death Mountain" so as to avoid lawsuits. You can tell that
a ski hill is going to be hard when the easiest green circle trail is named
"Groin Injury", the harder ones named "Cardiac Arrest".
I know that a lot of you out there in the world of Reality like to do things
that involve the dismemberment of various limbs, such as skiing. When I
first went to ski, I was confronted with a six clause jumble of legalese
known as the Skier's Responsibility Code, a very important list that defines
a good skier or snow boarder. But I, like so many of you, am a nimrod,
so I found it hard to understand. So, for your benefit, I have translated
the code into layman's terms:
There are elements of risk in skiing and snow boarding that common sense, personal awareness, and six years of training can help reduce.
1.
Ski under control and in such a manner that you can slow down and yell
"Oh S-Word!! I can't stop!!", avoiding skiers and objects such as trees
and chair lift pillars that you seem to enjoy wrapping yourself around.
2. You must not stop where you obstruct a trail or are not visible from
the top of that blind crest five feet behind you. Just two days ago I found
out why.
3. When skiing downhill or overtaking another skier, the slowpoke below
you has the left of way. Yeah, right. You're cruising at Mach 7, like a
flying mammal out of haides, the skier
in question is maintaining a speed of seven feet per hour, so who's gonna
give first?
4. When entering a trail or starting downhill, yield to other skiers. That
is, fend them off with the yield sign you snatched off the last trail.
5. All skiers shall use devices to prevent runaway skis such as that thick
maple tree you just smashed into. It works well enough.
6. You shall keep off closed trails and posted areas and observe all posted
signs, especially the ones that say TRAIL CLOSED. But it's not that big
a deal, I managed to swipe another lift ticket from some dupe in the Lodge.
:-)
7. Try not to fall off the lift. From experience, I think that should also
be a rule.
Another contribution to my insanity is those stupid ads they put on TV. I really seriously think that there is a company called Nimrods Incorporated that exists solely to put nimrods on television to advertise products that normal people such as you or I wouldn't be caught dead using. For example, what about that Preparation-H commercial? "Have you ever suffered from the itch and pain of hemorrhoids? I have.....". I sure hope they're paid off well. And then there's still a plethora of other situations:
"New
Depends!
'Cause you've got a lot of living to do!"
-MUSIC STARTS- "Wake up Canada! When.... we..... get..... ourselves stopped
up we want...... some...... quick..... relief......" (laxative
commercial)
"Super for the heavy days; Medium for those medium days; and Lite for the
light days in my period!"
"This medicine worked wonders for my Herpes!"
Then
there's the chicken that walks up to the bowl of chicken soup, all sniffily
and stuffed up, so he takes a whiff of the soup, and "Ahhhh....". What
sickos write this garbage?
I'm also bugged by Titanic. I haven't yet seen it, but if I had
to, I'd walk out just before the guy drowns, hoping they'd go home, have
sex, get married, then have 2.5 kids and a dog. But noooo, they
both die before the closing credits. Where's the justice?!
My Geography class, now there's a problem and a half! We now have a substitute
for Mr. Hamilton whose name rhymes with 'rotter'. Now she, quite frankly,
is a few bricks short if you follow me ("OK class, anyone who's absent
today please raise their hand!") and she's kind of harsh and intolerant
towards Troy and Dave when all they do is examine pornography and throw
small stuff like pencils and chalk at everyone else. Hooo-boy, I'm not
in much of a creative mood tonight (read: lazy) so I'll leave you with
that.
Goto previous essay: "How to be Sensitive so that
Girls will Like You".
Goto next essay: "High School: It's A Concept
- The Parody"
Goto Main Page.
Goto Crosswinds, then set
up your own page to show me up.