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High School: It's A Concept - The Parody

A View from the Solarium RETRACTION: Amazing how easy it is to write a parody of a play that didn't have anything to say to me in the first place...

            Before we get started, once again, it's time for..... VIEWER MAIL!! Glorisiki!

            ".....I really liked your stories but maybe you should keep people's names out of them unless you have their permission. It could really tick people off....."  - KRISTEN TODD
            "Das ist mir zu schwer.  Ich brauche Hirn."  - CRAIG LOW
            "I find you a creative writer, with very good use of descriptive words and a sense of dark humor.  I really hope you don't give up on this site, because it is very interesting and more people should see it."  - EVAN WILKINSON

            What follows is a parody of a play my Drama class put on last year called "High School: It's A Concept". I wasn't actually in the play per se, because I was expelled at the time they were rehearsing due to an unfortunate incident involving the word commonly associated with the term 'illegitimate child' and the principal. But I was there for the last few dress rehearsals, and, being inspired by the fact that Christina McDonald was on crutches resulting from an accident involving a ski trip, Greg Freeze, and a Volkswagen, plus the fact that the play was not benefiting from my acting expertise, I wrote up this little number:

            Male-                                                        Female-
              GREG                                                      MONITOR
                ADAM                                                      MS. DENSMORE    played by Ms. Densmore
                NORMAN                                              AMY    played by Christina McDonald
                THOMAS                                                 JENA
                MIKE                                                       FUTURE AMY   played by Christina McDonald
                WILL                                                        MORTICIA
                ALAN                                                       LAURA
                FORSYTHE                                             (voice onlyß)
                FUTURE GREG                                        MS. RICHARD  (our Drama teacher at the time- as herself)
                FUTURE FORSYTHE
                (voice onlyß)

            The list might look a bit weird if you're not viewing this page in 800X600. On with the show!

(GREG and ADAM alone center stage)
GREG: High school: It's a concept!
ADAM: You mean the play?
GREG: Well, sort of. What I really meant was that high school is and will always remain only a concept. I mean, it's not high learning, it's definitely not high society, it's not-
ADAM: Right. But it is high violence, high population, high claustrophobia, and in the case of CPA, high on drugs.
GREG: Well, we're smart enough to avoid problems like that.
ADAM: Hopefully.... But I'm really depressed.
GREG: Why?
ADAM: Because we may have the raw capacity to be smart, but the teachers are on strike.

                                                                        -Scene I: Loneliness-

(GREG and ADAM alone center stage, ADAM frozen. To the spot.)
GREG: When people first start high school, they usually feel alone and isolated. Why? Because they ARE alone and isolated!
(ADAM unfreezes.)
GREG: I feel alone and isolated.
ADAM: Didn't you just say that?
GREG: That was my voice-over! You weren't supposed to hear that! Let's start over!
GREG: I feel alone and isolated.
ADAM: I feel alone and isolated too.
GREG: Uh..... Adam?
ADAM: Yeah?
GREG: You were supposed to say: "I feel that way too. I can't make any friends.".
ADAM: Yeah, but my dog ate my script.
GREG: Then get another one.
ADAM: I can't. This school can't afford photocopier toner. We haven't had any for the past seven years.
GREG: That's a pickle.
ADAM: Stop using outdated expressions! This is the 90's!
GREG: I don't have a choice. It's in the script. Ms. Richard fished them out of a dumpster when she was in New York back in the 70's.
ADAM: Ahhh.... There's a broken light for every heart on Broadway....
GREG: That's-... Never mind....

                                                                        -Scene II: Break In!-

(GREG and ADAM alone on stage, ADAM frozen)
GREG: High School means troublemakers.
ADAM: That's for sure! Why I-
GREG: Shut up! I have the voice-over rights to this play!
ADAM: Oops! Sorry.... (returns to being frozen)
NORMAN: Look! There's a house without any lights!
NORMAN: Whaddyer mean, "So?"? Let's bust in the place!
(NORMAN breaks window, all climb inside)
(Alarm siren)
NORMAN: Let's trash the place!
ADAM: Why do we want to do that?
NORMAN: Why not?
ADAM: Uh, the alarm.
NORMAN: Who cares? We need an action scene!
THOMAS: Hey! Look in the audience there!
MIKE: I can't! These (BEEP) stage lights get in my eyes!
THOMAS: Well, the lady in Row 2, Seat 7 fell asleep.
(Police sirens)
GREG: Uh, I hear police sirens.
MIKE: Quiet! We're having a repartée!
MIKE: You say she FELL ASLEEP?!
BACKGROUND: This is the Police.
THOMAS: Yeah! Look!
BACKGROUND: Give yourselves up.
MIKE: Uh.... Thomas, that's not a lady!
BACKGROUND: We have you surrounded.
ADAM: Uh, guys....
THOMAS: Really? Then why is he wearing a dress?
MIKE: That's a kilt!
BACKGROUND: This is the Police.
THOMAS: No way! It's a checkered dress!
BACKGROUND: Please give yourselves up.
MIKE: That's the tartan you're talking about! He dressed formally for our play. I myself am honored to have him here to watch our play.
THOMAS: Oh, she's-
MIKE: He's!!
THOMAS: -probably here to see the Grade 12 Drama class.
BACKGROUND: We will shoot. Give yourselves up.
MIKE: What makes you think that?
BACKGROUND: This is your last chance. Give yourselves up.
THOMAS: Think about it.
GREG: Everybody down! (NORMAN, GREG, ADAM, hit the floor.)
NORMAN: Aaa! I'm hit!
MIKE: Yeah, I guess I see what you mean. Maybe we should've rehearsed.
THOMAS: Whaddyer mean "should've rehearsed"?! We rehearsed! Remember last Friday?
MIKE: Yeah. Our director said that the only thing we ever rehearsed was the title of the play.
THOMAS: Then we rehearsed. "High School: It's A Con-.... Cor-.... Al-.... Conum-.... Tel-.... Ckon-.... Concept!!" as a title is very important! It gives us our opening line you know!
BACKGROUND: We are converging upon your location.
MIKE: Yeah? Well, I think that-
(Police barge in, point guns.)
THOMAS: Oh shit! (BEEP)
NORMAN(painfully): You know, if this play wasn't rated G, I'd swear too.
THOMAS: Oh, shut up you God (BEEP) fucking (BEEP) bastard! (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)
POLICEMAN(off stage): You have the right to remain silent.......

                                                                     -Scene III: Detention-

GREG: Well, we were all in serious trouble, but we didn't really get punished that badly. My parents did ground me for three hours though. Anyhow, while we're still on the topic of crime and punishment, let's explore the one thing that NO high school should be without: Detention!
......detention room set.......
WILL: Ahhh! I love the detention room! I wish my school had one!
NORMAN: It doesn't need one. When you got in trouble for breaking down that classroom door, they just put you in this play instead.
WILL: That's why I wish my school had a detention room.
NORMAN: Good point.
MONITOR(from desk at side of stage): Quit your yapping, Will!
WILL: Ah, shut up.
MONITOR: What did you say?
WILL: "Ah, shut up.".
MONITOR: Hang on......... (reaches into drawer, picks up script, flips pages....)... uh,...... That's it!... Will. Go to the.... Office!
WILL: But I got kicked out of there, so they sent me here.
MONITOR: Then go to the support room!
WILL: I was already kicked out of there.
MONITOR: Then go to Guidance!
WILL: Too late. Got kicked out of there too.
MONITOR: OK, this should be interesting.... Tell me about your day so far.
WILL: Let's see.... First I got kicked out of Ms. Densmore's English class to go to the Support Room. Then I was kicked out of there to go to the Guidance Office. They sent me back to the Support Room, which sent me into the hallway. I was then dragged to the Main Office, and then I was sent back to class, where Ms. Densmore refused my entrance, so I went back to the Support Room, then Guidance, Support Room, then the Main Office again. I got kicked out of there, and they sent me here.
MONITOR: But the bell to start school only rang ten minutes ago.
WILL: Well, (BEEP) happens.
MONITOR: Okay, let's send you to...... (reaches into drawer, picks up building directory, flips pages....).... Enie, Meenie, Miine, Moe, Catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers, let him go and WILL goes to y-o-u! Room 322!
WILL: That's Ms. Densmore's room.
MONITOR: Then let's try......... Earnest, Stupid, Alfred, Mike, Hunting wolves come out tonight, they will eat you, yes, I'm sure that WILL will get to bug y-o-u! Room 319!
WILL: That's the Student Council's office.
MONITOR: Go there anyway!
(WILL leaves, scene ends.)

                                                                -Scene IV: Male/Female "Cuteness"-

GREG: Another important part of high school is Male-Female Relationships.....
MS. DENSMORE: "the Male and Female Relationships", Greg.
GREG: Get back to being frozen..... Hey! Why is she in this scene?
MS. DENSMORE(smugly): I'm not. But your lead actress had an accident, she broke her leg. How very sad!
GREG: You mean Amy?
(AMY walks on-stage w/ crutches and cast.)
GREG(looks her over, slowing down at torso): Uh... um.. Oh yeah! (Regains composure) Oh-no! Our lead actress!
MS. DENSMORE: I'm playing her part this evening!
GREG: No offense, but Will will have a hard time about throwing things at his own teacher!
MS. DENSMORE: You mean that Amy is involved in physical conflict with Will?
AMY/CHRISTINA: That's just a sign Will likes me.
WILL(off-stage): The fuck it is! (BEEP)
GREG: Steve? What do you think? ...... Steve? Steve?
MS. RICHARD(off-stage): Oh, he had a nervous breakdown again. I'm directing tonight.
GREG: What do you think then?
MS. RICHARD: Oh, Amy's probably okay as is.
GREG: Okay....
GREG: Another important part of high school is THE male AND female relationships.......
ALAN: I can't ever forget the first time a girl called me 'cute'.
FORSYTHE: I'm still waiting for that.
ALAN: No, I mean in the play.
FORSYTHE: Anyone else want to say it?!
AMY: Oh, that guy is cute.
FORSYTHE: Did you hear that? She called me cute!
ALAN(getting up off floor): No, she called me cute.
JENA: Oh, yes. They're quite cute!
AMY: Both of them?
JENA: No, just the one on valium.
AMY: Oh yeah... He's very cute!
FORSYTHE: Oh, she must mean me! (Louder) I take valium!
ALAN: So do I!
JENA: Oh, I really really like him.
AMY: Yeah! Those zits of his are really cool!
ALAN: I've got zits! (points them out) See?
FORSYTHE: So do I! (points them out) See?
JENA: And that intelligence of his?
AMY: Yeah! I love a man with a low IQ!
FORSYTHE: My IQ is 13!
ALAN: That's nothing! Mine is 7!
AMY: And the...... Oh! The beer belly!
JENA: Yes! It's so becoming!
ALAN(pulls up shirt): Look! I'm fat! I weigh 700 pounds!
FORSYTHE(pulls up shirt): That's nothing at all! I weigh 1500 pounds!
AMY: Oh, I just want to go out with him so badly!
JENA(looking at watch): Hey! We've gotta go! Your appointment at the rehab center is in 20 minutes!
(JENA and AMY leave.)
ALAN: Who was she talking about?
FORSYTHE: You mean Amy or Jena?
ALAN: Amy of course!
FORSYTHE: Well, it sure wasn't you.
ALAN: Really, huh?! Well, I'm cuter than you are!
FORSYTHE: Are not!
ALAN: Are too!
FORSYTHE: Are not!
ALAN: Are too!
FORSYTHE: Are too-.. Oh, hell (BEEP). (punches out ALAN)

                                                                             -Scene V: The Prom-

AMY(casually): Oh, hello Forsythe.
FORSYTHE: So, uh...... do you have a...... uh..... a prom date yet?
AMY: No. (frightened realization) Wh-why?
FORSYTHE: Well....... gee, that's a coincidence you know, because, I, well I, ...... do you think,.... can you please.... maybe you'd like..... can I take..... uh, ..... I'd like to...
AMY: Let me guess. You want me to go to the prom?
(FORSYTHE nods vigorously)
AMY: Sure! Well, now I have to find a date.....
FORSYTHE: No! I mean will you go to the prom with me?
AMY: I'm not sure if my date would like that.
FORSYTHE: As my date, I mean.
AMY: That's two years from now!
FORSYTHE: So? You'll be walking normally by then!
AMY: Well...... I'll get back to you on that.
(they clear stage)
(GREG back)
GREG: Will! Get up here!
(WILL on)
WILL: Yeah?
GREG: Get out your time machine and set it ahead to exactly 2 years from now.
WILL: Okay.... come with me, then.
(they clear stage)
(strange noises)
WILL(off-stage): Arrival in five, four, three, two.... (BOINK!!) Here we are! The Prom!
(dancers all over stage, rock music. FUTURE AMY is sort of dancing with FUTURE GREG.)
(WILL and GREG walk on)
GREG: Hey! That's me! And Amy (sighs)..... still wearing crutches.
WILL: Shh! Not so loud! We don't want to be seen!
GREG: Hey, Will. Did you go?
WILL(staring upwards): I do, I guess. There I am up there!
GREG(looking up): Why are you up in the rafters?
WILL: I don't know!
GREG: It looks like he's got some wire..... fuses...... wait, what's that he's got?
WILL: Looks to me like a bit of C4 and some dynamite, why?
GREG(yelling): Run! Back to the ship!
(dancers startled)
(WILL and GREG exit very speedily)
(very loud explosion)
(more strange noises)
WILL(off-stage): 12 days before in five, four, three, two.... (BOINK!)
WILL(off-stage): Let's just stand over here and be quiet.
FUTURE FORSYTHE: So, have you decided yet?
FUTURE AMY: Yes, I've decided. Do you know what would happen if I went with you?
FUTURE AMY: Well, when we'd finish dancing we'd go to a nice restaurant, I'd whisper sweet nothings in your ear, and then, well, what would you like to have happen?
FUTURE FORSYTHE(nervously): Uh,.... uh...... um....... uh, I don't know..... Well, uh,.......
FUTURE AMY: Well, I suppose it would just make your day if I went with you wouldn't it? Well NOT IN THIS LIFE BUSTER!!
(FUTURE FORSYTHE runs away crying)

                                                                        -Scene VI: School Ditching-

(Garbage can on set)
(MORTICIA and LAURA alone center stage)
MORTICIA: How was it?
LAURA: They let me live. I begged for a prison term, but since this was my 4th offense, they gave me the maximum penalty.
MORTICIA: What was that?
LAURA: I have to stay in this school for the rest of the term.
MORTICIA: Ooh! That is rough!
LAURA: Tell me about it.
MORTICIA: Well, I'm sure not ditching school again.
LAURA: Yeah. When we were working at the sweat shop for our 2¢ an hour wage, we really should've assumed that the principal was working there during school hours too!
MORTICIA: Why? Teaching pays 3¢ an hour!
LAURA: But he's been working there for 53 years! He's gotten tons of raises! He makes 4¢ an hour!
MORTICIA: Wow! He could afford a pencil!
LAURA: If he saved up a while, yeah.
(GREG and ALAN enter)
GREG: So you change.
ALAN: Do we have to?
GREG: No Alan, I didn't mean your socks (winces), I meant your personality.
ALAN: Oh! Well, the play's almost over. Guess I can throw away my script. (tosses it in garbage can)
WILL(inside can): Ouch!
ALAN: Will? What are you doing in there?
WILL(inside can): I got kicked out of the Boiler Room!
(NORMAN runs on)
NORMAN: Wow! How many times does that make?
WILL(inside can): Let's see.... (long pause).... This morning I was kicked out of places 127 times!
NORMAN: Wow! And it's not even 9:30 yet!

                                                                  -Scene VIII: Graduation Scene-

(COMPANY on Grad Stand - photo-op like)
GREG: It's a good thing that Will's alternate timeline was excised! I saved all our lives by shooting him 17,000 times with my BB gun!
AMY: But did you have to wait until the prom to kill him? You scared us!
MIKE: Aw, don't listen to her Greg! Believe me, you did us all a favor!
GREG: By saving our lives?
MIKE: No, by killing that bast-(BEEP)!
(music starts)
GREG: I just realized!
ADAM: I hope it's not contagious!
GREG: No, I'm not wearing my grad gown!
ADAM: I am!
GREG: You're not supposed to wear orange!
FORSYTHE: I can't think of anything to say.
AMY: Wait! We can't do this scene yet!
GREG: Why not?
AMY: We forgot about the group scene!

                                                                        -Scene VII: Group-

(COMPANY seated on stage)
NORMAN: I remember my first day.
ADAM: I'd like to forget it.
MATT: I hate this place!
GREG: High school: It's an abomination.
MATT: You got that right!
(COMPANY exchanges quizzical glances)
AMY: I am the dateless wonder.
GREG: In the play too?
(AMY knocks down GREG with crutches)
(they fight, GREG sort of wins)
AMY: I've fallen and I can't get up.
MATT: Really?
AMY: So when are those auditions?
MATT: Huh?
(spotlight on GREG)
GREG: So what you have just seen is a look into a high school........ uh, ......... (gets out script, flips pages)..... what happened to the last 700 pointless pages?
MS.RICHARD(off-stage): The scriptwriter just died.

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