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Emotional Grab Bag

Since no one at school seems to give a flying fuck about how I feel, I figured that a good way to close off the shittiest week I've had this year would be to bounce my feelings off the CPA internet community. Everyone thinks I talk too loud / too much in person anyway, but no one is interested enough in what I need to express to someone before I go insane which makes me want to spew out even more on the first person I come across.

(A note to the fine people who actually visit my site instead of spread rumors about what they think might be on here: Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Without people like you, I would have killed myself a long time ago. As far as I'm concerned, if you've made it this far, none of the things I am about to 'rant' on apply to you, and you're a fair-weather friend of sorts now.)

... And then there are the many many many people who go further than just not caring and clear into active fear, dislike, and suspicion of my person. I don't expect everyone to like me, but I am sick and tired of the following:

- Every little thing I do becoming front page CPA news. "Will passed my classroom today. I wonder what it means?"
- People 'warning' others about me.
- People referring to my emotional duress as 'psycho mode' and 'oh, he's taking a spaz'. I have FEELINGS. Maybe I'm not so good at controlling them as you are, but you have RELIABLE AVAILABLE friends to talk to about these things. I do not. Besides, it's not like I hurt anyone. The worst I do is run out of the room.
- I *like* talking to people I don't know and making new fair-weather friends, okay? Some people think that I'll 'flip out' on them if they disagree with something I say, and so they just smile and nod at me when I try to talk to them. You think you're doing me and yourself a favor, but let me tell you that you should just tell me to shut up if you don't want to talk to me. I can handle that. Granted, I might not like you very much, but you don't like me either, so who cares?
- People who slander me every spring after the annual school shootings and think they're protecting the school. I almost got arrested because of misinformed losers (and I am not just talking about the CPA *students* here if you catch my drift... although I'm not talking about the administration either, they've always stuck up for me this year and last), and I cringe when I think about how the situation will be one-uped against me for this years shootings. (Note: It will be a blessed miracle if this sick and twisted rite of spring does not happen this year. I am not encouraging or looking forward to more killings, I am merely stating that despite the best efforts of paranoia, fear, isolation, and animosity, they still seem to happen every springtime.)
- People who judge me by my coat. Haha, you might say, but this is actually an issue. People see my gray and orange Brooks TCS jacket and run for cover.
- And jacket or no, a lot of girls who go by me on the stairs look at me like I'm the guy from Psycho come to kill them in the shower. It's even worse when I happen to be climbing up behind someone. They will think that I'm trying to follow them to their class (why else would they look back over their shoulders nervously every five seconds), or possibly worse things that I don't want to know. But this only seems to happen with the girls. The guys just give me these odd, knowing looks like I'm some sort of freak.
- Many of the grade 10 girls seem to think I've come back to CPA this year just to prey on them. Get a grip.
- People are just cruel. I am cruel, you are cruel. But SOME of us are nice sometimes, and I realize that just as I know that there are people at CPA spreading all this garbage about me, there are a significant number of people who are nice to me, and the number increases every week.
- People who are afraid of me. People who honestly believe that I am a dangerous person and spread these feelings among their friends, and along to their siblings so that they don't even have to meet me before forming an opinion about me. (How convenient!)
- People who see me with that absurd remote control standing in front of the obsolete message board that no one bothers to read anyway and look at me like I'm a three year old autistic child playing with his toys. Get a grip.
- People who won't let me into their pre-formed social groups. People who offer me something and take it back. People like that jerk who happens to have the same name as a popular Nintendo character who refer to their card game as the "Will's Not Allowed to Play Game". I can play cards, you moron. And maybe I didn't want to play with you in the first place.

I really should talk about something more positive right now. How about the weird dreams I've been having? Well people in person have told me that they don't give a flying fuck about those either, so I simply must place the burden of my sub-conscious upon the internet community.

DREAM BOOK I

I am not going to outline every bloody dream I've had here, just some interesting ones that have some relevance to CPA.

- After winning just over a million dollars in a trivia contest about native Chinese white Canadians (isn't that an oxymoron?), Ms. Quinlan says to me in the Solarium: "But you're just a comedian!"
"Correction!", I say. "A very rich comedian!"
- Haha. Well, the trivia contest took place in the middle of a giant Superstore, which had hills, streets, buildings, trees, and of course groceries everywhere. Along my travels I heard a news report that the force of gravity was increasing every year and that the Olympic Stadium in Montreal was going to collapse anytime now. So I look behind me to my left and sure enough, off in the distance lies the bloody stadium (which I expected to see), complete with a few scattered people watching an Expos game.
- There was a related ceremony involving pouring this tasty red liquor into some red tubing and narrow glasses around a tree or fountain or something. I didn't drink too much of course, knowing that I don't drink as a rule! And I think Mr. Zinck of all people was standing beside me. Actually like everyone I knew had to be there somewhere.

- Here's another very interesting dream. (Although some people will be offended...) I borrow the digital camera from the computer lab to do a project or something. But before I wipe the camera's memory and start taking pictures, I browse through the images left on the camera's memory. (Here comes the offensive part.) Two girls from CPA that I happen to know (and will not never ever reveal their names to *anyone*, even if it was just a dream!) happened to be... well, screwing. But it was in the non-graphic way that people see sex in a real dream. Like they were wearing lingerie or something, and I think it was black pink and white. There was even a third girl photographed removing her trappings.
- Naturally I thought that this was a stone riot (and the concept of blackmail kept rushing through my mind!) and I rushed to find my buddy Mike Kidson who I knew would get a scream out of this. So I find him beside the main entrance in front of the fence opening to the back driveway, and he finds it a riot too. We did get a computer disk to download the images to, but I think I woke up soon after that because I don't remember anything more.

Suffice it to say that for the last couple of nights I've been remembering my dreams. I love it! I'll only bore you with the CPA-related ones though. For anyone interested, there's a description of a dream I had before Prom night in my "Sleeping in the Solarium" essay.

Speaking of ZoŽ, she doesn't like me very much now. Come to think of it, few people like me very much now. This has been a bad week. I think I might go to the Prom again just to make up for the shitty time I had with ZoŽ (which wasn't ZoŽ's fault, by the way). But who would go with me? Especially now when the the stigma of 'Will Matheson' seems to be at an all-time high. Oh *man*, do I ever need to get to university. I could stop suffering for my social mistakes and make entirely new ones! =) Maybe I'll even see J- um, yeah, maybe I'll see her again. Do people from PEI go to Dal? I hope so.

Well it feels a whole heck of a lot better to have written this and expressed myself to someone, even if it's just the internet. I don't feel like jumping into Sandy Lake anymore at any rate. When are matchmakers coming out? Maybe L-, K-, E-,... maybe they'll like their roses, hmm? See you all around later!

Return to A View from the Solarium.
Goto Crosswinds.
Goto Previous Essay: "And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder". (99/00-1 #22)
Goto Next Essay: "The First CPA Film Festival". (99/00-2 #24)