Me
Does
this qualify as a useless story?
Well, it sure doesn't feel useless. It's the only story I feel like
writing right now, and writing a story I don't feel like writing is hard.
Heck, writing any story is hard. Telling stories without actually
composing one isn't too bad by comparison, and programming is fun for me
- so why am I knocking myself out to do this?
See, for the last few years I've been thinking that I could become a writer.
Now, though, I'm starting to think that goal impossible because the inspiration
just isn't there. I have no story to tell. I'm just a lucky, talented,
unemployed snot with nothing to do. Not that I'm complaining. I suppose
there's yard work out there that needs doing, so I'd better keep my mouth
shut.
So, then, what do I do with my life? Programming is starting to call me
again, and I miss the computer classes in high school. I did great there,
but I didn't go on to study Computer Science at the university because
I didn't have the science (now called "pre-calc") math. It also takes much
longer than something simple like an English major, and it is therefore
more expensive. I study on cash. I might just give up on university instead
of going into debt - especially since I don't feel like I'm doing what
I want to do.
Yes. Back in CRS I'd like to be, where I got a 99 but also had the time
to become a Minesweeper god. I loved the programming, but I think we were
studying the wrong language. We should have just gone straight into C++
or something instead of spending nearly the whole semester on QBasic. There's
just not enough things you can do with QBasic, unless you're really patient.
There are some QBasic gods out there who would disagree with me, but those
folks have worked long and hard to find ways to bypass the limitations
of the language. I've seen some impressive things done in QBasic - RPGs
complete with colorful graphics; first-person 3-D... but at a certain point
you have to ask if it's easier just to move up to a programming environment
where things like that can come along naturally.
But I'm not in CRS. I'm not studying C++. I don't have a job in computers.
Instead, I worked as a waiter this summer and got yelled at a lot. The
owner/manager/cook only put me to tears about three or four times, but
I still think that's too much. I can't get paid enough for that kind of
emotional duress. Working there made me feel retarded.
So now I'm not working. I have my video games, my website, a few friends,
and some other interests. One of which I thought was writing - I keep meaning
to sit down and start composing all these novellas or novels, but it's
just too damn hard. I don't want to do it at all; I just fell in love with
the end result. I think I'll finally be happy when I get this obligation
to write out of my head.
I
don't have a girlfriend either. Oh, I hate that. What's worse though, is
not feeling love for anyone - I haven't been in love for almost five years.
It's maddening because if it were to happen to me now, I'd know what to
do - or at least what not to do. Not to run away, not to tell people to
leave me alone. Not to act stupid. Not to just wait and hope and dream.
Not to let my life slip away through my fingers. Do I have any sand left?
I've been in love definitely twice, perhaps once again, and sort of once
again. What if I've left all my destinies behind?
Nonsense. I don't believe in destiny or fate. I watched Ebert and Roper
review a new movie called "Serendipity." I thought the premise was stupid.
There's this one scene where the woman wants to see if they're 'fated'
to be together (hahahahahaha), so she has the man get on another elevator
so they can see if they get off at the same floor.
"Are you mad?" I'd shout at the projections. "'Fate' and 'consequence'
are in your hands; what the hell are you doing? Are you going to cost yourself
an almost certainly happy relationship just because you want to believe
that you're 'meant to be?!'"
Belief seems to me to be a sort of comfort blanket. I don't have it anymore
- the comfort comes at a cost. I can just look back at most of my life
and see how unhappy I was to prove it. When I stopped believing in religion,
I became happier. When I stopped believing in hokey New Age crap, I became
happier still.
Now,
what if I die tomorrow? I'm going to die eventually - but I'd be pretty
upset if I knew that I had to die before I even found someone who (still)
loves me. The thought almost makes me cry right now. One thing I realize,
though, is that a lot of us think we're too special to die, that there's
some 'higher purpose' to our lives. Then we go out and get into a car accident.
It distresses me to think so morbidly. Often famous people have made remarks
about their possible demise, only to be killed days later. I hope that
doesn't happen to me. Then again, I'm not famous. There's some logical
reasoning for you.
The only way I seem to be having fun lately is through a distraction. The games. My website. Wrestling. Ha. I'm so into professional wrestling now that my mental calendar runs by the WWF television events. When someone tells me about something that happened a number of weeks ago, I think, "before Unforgiven?" Sunday has become "Heat," monday "Raw," and thursday "Smack Down!" Actually, I'm exaggerating a bit - I'm only like that sometimes. What will happen with the wrestling (as with other things on television that I've been hooked on from time to time) is that I'll miss a few events and then discover that I don't miss it.
A
friend of mine has found a girlfriend. I'm happy for the lucky snot, but
- well, you can see from the comment that I am burning green with envy.
It's not directed at him or her, though, it's directed at the world. It's
like how I felt early on in high school; look at all these people! They
have friends, girlfriends, and lives! And me? What do I have? A bunch of
right-wing sociopathic beliefs, that's all! I don't feel like I'm there
anymore, but I feel uncomfortably close, especially since I'm considering
taking a trip up to the high school to see them.
Am I just full of hot air? Is all I do complain? Where are all the answers?
<sigh> I only know where the answers aren't.
So
back to distraction again. I'm certainly not distracting myself composing
this; all my problems are literally staring me in the face right now. It
is a thoroughly unpleasant feeling, and I can only hope that I'll be understood
better by myself and others at the end of this.
Being distracted is great, at least until the luster wears off of it. Then
your problems are there again. Mine are listed on this computer screen.
A great thing, the computer. It's a shame, though, that they're often only
used for spam, forwarding dumb jokes by e-mail, composing the odd office
memo, and playing Solitaire. People plunk down $2K just to do that?
I own two computers, neither of which are capable of going online unless
I made some configuration changes.
Speaking
about my computers has reminded me of my friend Mike's guestbook. Specifically,
I remembered something Corey said, supposedly imitating me, about how I'm
going to get a computer "that you have 0 control over mother." Hmm. I want
to destroy the man piece by piece, but then someone else who doesn't know
who I really am would come along and say the same thing. If he were reading
this he would go "destroy ME? hahahaha!" The irony of the whole thing is
that his mother probably does regulate what he can and can't
do with the computer and when. In my house, the only concern is when she
needs to get certain things done for her work - other than that, it's open
skies and I'd be pretty damn mad if that changed. It wasn't always this
way. My mother used to be a real bitch about everything concerning the
computer, and she came to see it as a method by which she could control
my behaviour. I got very angry on a number of occasions. She deserved
everything she has ever got from me for thinking that she has authority
that she needs to exert. Mom, for all that, fuck you. God, I need to move.
What is it about me that attracts these bottom-feeding morons? Really!
Fuck, I hate even having to admit to any of that crap - especially now
when I have the great luxury of being able to look back and make the observation
that the way most parents look at the world (thus, the way they raise their
kids) is completely retarded. My mother didn't understand that the internet
has basically saved my life, and she sure as hell didn't want to listen.
Sometimes I told her that she was being ignorant - few things have made
her angrier. But like I said, fuck her, who cares anymore? I don't have
to deal with that kind of crap anymore because I'm 19 - I've crossed some
dumb magic line in the sand. Screw 19, that line shouldn't even have to
exist.
It distresses me to no end to hear stories from 15 to 18 year-olds who
tell me they're not allowed to go out, they get 'grounded', their 'privileges'
depend on their 'grades', and they're even told when they have to go to
bed. After 15?! At 17?!?! 18?!?!?! If an 18 year-old can't figure out for
him or herself that they need their sleep for the next day, then he or
she nearly deserves what he or she* gets (or perhaps the parent does).
Responsibility belongs in the hands of the individual. While I'm being
so idealistic, I'll also suggest that grade school as we know it be demolished
and moved to a more open format.
* - We need a gender neutral pronoun to replace "he or she," such that there'll be more alternatives than just going to the plural. Anyone got any ideas? I'm going to invent one now, 'se' (pronounced 'say').
Thinking
about something else now (I could go on forever about my sadly maligned
upbringing and those of others), isn't it grand that a large portion of
the world is free to express themselves however they like? This is a freedom
that we should have been able to pursue individually since the dawn of
time (but then we came up with 'authority'), but even today I could travel
the world, and if I was foolish enough, go into a country with ideas (beliefs,
really) that fundamentally differ from mine and find a way to get myself
shot, hanged, or stoned (not the good kind of 'stoned').
Even here in America, though, do we really have these freedoms? Look at
your life. If you were to go through some changes that completely altered
your perspective, would your friends and relatives really accept you, or
would you have to shame them into behaving properly? What if you were gay?
What if you were an Atheist? But those are things you can decide not to
share with the rest of the world. What if you're black? What if you're
an Arab? What if you're a woman? Imagine the prejudices that some people
have to deal with... I could chose not to be so open about my lack of religious
beliefs, and my life might actually end up more harmonious, but then I
wouldn't accomplish anything.
I've had a meal with the family now, and I've forgotten everything I've typed leading up to this. I've managed to get something written, though.