Miscellany1
It's been quite a while since I've updated my website (one of the nice things about having one's own domain name is that it allows you to freely use the term website instead of webpage, and I can now call myself a webmaster, and so can the spammers who e-mail me almost daily telling me about how I "can make *BiG $$$ wiTh willmatheson.COM!"), but I've been booted back into action by an anonoymous reader who wants to see something here - she's bored, apparently. So this has-been isn't quite out of the picture yet.
I used to write "articles" here and there every time I thought of something funny or interesting to talk about. Lately, I haven't been contributing much to this website, but not because I have nothing to talk about. The largest reason, apart from apathy and laziness, is that I have been utilizing an online diary to record my thoughts. Behind a very thin veil of anonymity, I can talk about just about whatever I want and be as expressive as I care to be. It's led to some pretty interesting non-fiction prose snippets, and now I think a small sampling of words would fit in well here. But first, let's recap my life:
Winter '01: Talk about busy! Six courses! And a play! Sheesh! I don't know how I made it. I even slept in the computer lab one night!
Spring '01: Started up willmatheson.com - the reorganizing of everything I've ever done online took entirely too many all-nighters, and I think I became a vampire somewhere along the way. Also, commissioned by Mike Fox, I wrote much of what became "Film Amateura Entherance." Pretended to look for work the odd time.
Summer '01: I went over to PEI for my grandfather's funeral in May, then didn't come back. I ended up spending my summer working in PEI, which enabled me to spend lots of time with my Ross and Matheson relatives and get all my folks off my back about working at the same time. My evenings were quite fun.
Fall '01: Went back to Saint Mary's. Took only two courses that semester, did kind of poorly (C+ and B-), probably because wasn't doing enough to be motivated. In a completely unrelated matter (I assure you), I became a WWF fan. I also wrote the best Star Fox FAQ on the internet, so I feel like part of gaming history.
December '01: Rotten month to begin with. Arranged an outing with a woman, then lost said outing. Destroyed my mom's Wagoneer on Basinview Drive in an avoidable accident. Felt like I was stuck inside a big hole in the ground. Got high for the first time, though, which changed my outlook on existence quite a bit, then got over to PEI for a week and change. Spent New Year's much too quietly - Aunt Shirley and Uncle Shane don't drink. "Gee, a cold beer would be nice about now... heh-heh." ... but I include that detail for comedic value; it wasn't a big deal, and I still had lots of fun.
Winter '02: Have enough to do to be motivated now. Declined to be in the play in favor of a road trip to Toronto with Mike Fox & Co. to see WrestleMania XVIII. Almost asked a woman I really like out, discovered she had a boyfriend. Started composing a few short stories - much of the new content at willmatheson.com this season will be fiction. Looking to find a first real date by end of semester (else I might suffer yet another summer alone - gack!). Also producing a film for Mike Fox. I'm hoping things will turn around for me this year. I feel like it's time to achieve.
Diary highlights hyperlinks:
Joe's last name
Stormy Night
Starry Night
Enchanted Night
Interlude
anger of the Republic
signs and dating
spam in the place where i live
lecture or sermon?
chat with ICQis
unaccomplished and empty
academics are over!
gray sunday morning, movie tip
crash!
outlook change
friendless
a foray onto MSN - some
people are just so shallow
Now let's talk about that funny thing. I've got "Flood" in the drive instead of "John Henry," so I'm feeling a little more upbeat.
The funny thing was - remember that guy Joe? He's been mentioned on my "real" website tons of times, and just yesterday I was seeing if I could put in his name on Google and have his page show up, since I knew that Google was his favorite search engine.
His site was nowhere to be seen! How strange! But then I saw, in little blue letters, a spelling inquiry. How 'bout this spelling of his last name. Okay, I searched that one. ... Oh, no. That can't be how you spell his last name! Aughh! I race over to his ICQ information. Sure enough, there it is. I had been misspelling his last name for over a year. I was shocked, especially since he's been mentioned on my "real" website so many times. Why didn't he *say* anything?
"OH MY GOD! I've been misspelling your name ever since The Artifact came out! Every time you're mentioned on my site your name is mispelled: "Chisolm" DAHHHH =) Why didn't you *say* something?!?!"
"I've been misspelling your name for over a year! Why didn't you SAY something?!"
"I assumed you'd figure it out eventually."
"haha oh my god now I'm going to have to go back and change all those documents - do you realize how long that will take?! =)
Actually, the only place where I'll correct the spelling for now will be on the (name of movie) page and the quoter... but now that I think about it - maybe that's all there is! (oh yeah, the links page too)
All this time - 14 months of misspelling your name! I don't believe it!"
"I was wondering when you'd notice."
"You... you're the worst! That has got to be the most insidious prank or omission I've ever heard of! =)
How many times did it cross your mind - "oh there's William misspelling my name again" =) haha this is the funniest thing that's happened to me all week"
"So it's Chisholm... yeah..."
"I decided that you had enough opportunities to see it spelled properly, and if you chose to spell it your way then you had a right to do so."
It went on like that. Pretty funny, huh? I'm the kind of person who 'misspells bravely' - I never bother to verify my spellings, and I tend to repeat a spelling mistake over and over and over again. This is probably one of the funnier manifestations of this trait.
As I write this (literally - with ink and paper), I have just arrived at my grandmother's house. I anticipate that the pace of my life will slow down significantly at this point.
Raging outside is a hauntingly beautiful lightning storm. This is appropriate in some way, because my uncle and I saw a beautiful-looking movie in the provincial capital tonight. The film was entirely computer-generated, and it was produced by one of the biggest video game companies on the planet. It was an interesting piece of work.
Actually, we're going to dump the usual anonoymity of my diary for a moment. The flim was Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, produced by Square. I have seen three other films this summer: (1) The Mummy Returns (slightly bad), (2) Dr. Doolittle 2 (okay), (3) Lara Croft, Tomb Raider (pretty good).
I feel quite peaceful and contemplative this evening. It's quite dark out, and the rain and lightning has stopped. Let me tell you a little about the day. The highlights, if you will.
A few weeks ago (the night I was into the city to see Dr. Doolittle 2, actually - that was funny in itself because it opened alongside The Fast and the Furious, which nearly sold out, while only about a dozen people watched Steve Murphy on his quest to reintroduce a circus bear to the wild)... where was I?
This coiled booklet I'm writing in - I started a mini-novella with it. Hmm... I love these manual notebooks. Anyway...
That night, I ordered a They Might Be Giants CD, Severe Tire Damage, a live album. The music store requested ten units of federal bank notes or an equivalent as a deposit. Sure, I figured, no problem.
Tonight, anxious to check and see if Severe Tire Damage came in, I go into the mall through the back entrance, but the music store is closed. Permanently. Bummer.
At the other music store in the mall, a national chain, I see what They Might Be Giants CDs they could possibly order in for me. Severe Tire Damage is available to be ordered, along with some other albums and some EP's like Why Does the Sun Shine (The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas)? and they'll even check to see if I can get... hold onto your seats, now... Lincoln, their second studio album! And I don't need to put down any money! Why didn't I just go here first? While I was there, I almost bought R.E.M.'s Reveal (featuring "Imitation of Life"), but I decided not to because I was still kind of pissed off about losing the 10.00. But this wouldn't be the only time I've blown money - fortunately, it doesn't get much worse, however.
Did I talk about this before? Stop me if you've heard this... somewhere out there, there is the perfect band for someone. Or is there? I don't know. TMBG isn't a perfect fit for me, but they're darn close. The 'perfect' band probably doesn't really exist - I suppose I'll have to create it myself and put it into the serial/movie/novel or whatever the hell it is I want to compose. I absolutely itch to write something up. I guess now is the perfect time.
On the drive back from the city, my uncle told me this great story about a weekend he and his friends had when they were younger. It was absolutely amazing to listen to, and it was heartwarming and funny. I love listening to people talk, especially if it's interesting. But even if a person isn't interesting me that much, I still listen. I figure since I probably irritate others with my impromptu speeches from time to time (haha I love those!), it's the least I can do.
I guess the trouble is, it doesn't occour to very many people that they can talk to me, if you don't count my relatives and much older friends and acquaintances. And... I don't think that I have any good friends. I have yet to make someone's list of buddies (such that would show up on, say, a personal webpage). Oh, well. Maybe I am alone. But I'm going to cut this discussion off because it's too depressing.
Sometimes I'll do the talking, and people will listen for a long time, though this has only happened to me a couple of times in my life. I love talking, but I also love listening.
I'll tell you about one of the most memorable moments in my life, and I'll also introduce you to a new person.
I grew up on a small farm (only 300 acres or so - nothing compared to the 10,000 acres or more Dundas Farms held at its height - I'll talk to you about that some other time)... anyway, I grew up on a small farm, and we had a bull sale every year. It was a community event of sorts, as we had people come in from all over for what was basically a large party. My mom liked doing things like that. Hundreds of people showed up every year, including...
[at this point I proceed to talk about something too personal for willmatheson.com, sorry]
I'm tired. I just got back from a musical in the capital. It was nice.
Getting out of my aunt's car this evening - heck, inside my aunt's car coming in the driveway, I actually noticed the stars. (They don't show up quite as well when walking up the street to the bus stop from my university deep inside the metropolis.) The heck with dark-adjustment, I could see the Milky Way just stepping out of the car. Amazing. It'd be nice to have a pair of binoculars with me, but I'll go sit outside for a bit in any case as soon as I finish this.
The sheep outside are 'baahing'... shouldn't they be asleep? Strange.
[I discuss more personal things.]
(I wasn't comfortable enough with my physical safety to stay outside more than a moment. The combined effect of being alone (even on the front steps), the near total darkness, everyone being asleep, the fact that it was quarter after twelve - those things didn't make me nervous enough to rush back inside on their own accord - but the quiet, furtive rustlings certainly did. Always stargaze with friends.)
It was a quiet evening at work, but personally very fulfiling. I'll get to that in a moment.
Driving home at 10:30pm, with the high beams on, with a faint bit of afterglow still remaining in the western sky (keep in mind that it's summer here now) - the stars were out. Constellations and everything, and better from the car than I usually get on a typical night outside back home.
My route to and from work has always been quiet, but now more so than before. The most direct route to the tearoom takes me through several abandoned communities - for instance, at one point along my route there is a small Roman Catholic church, but no houses (other than the vicarage) in sight. Creepy. The shortest possible routing also involves a three or four kilometre stretch of dirt road. Would that commuting to the university be this easy! Speaking of which, I'm becoming a little more certain that I'll go back and kind of enjoy it. I did well in English.
So why was work so fulfilling? First, it was easy - I only had four tables the entire time. Moreover, two of the dinner guests were "astonished" by the quality of the food. (If this place was even in the provincial capital (meaning not out in the backwaters), it'd easily get ten times the business.) More than that, they prediced that I would be in for a wonderful life and carreer. Wow, thanks!
I treasure moments like that deeply. It reminded me of the time I ran into a woman who had been in one of my english classes the fall before last. It was late at night, down in the heart of the city. She remarked about how I was a bit different from everyone else, and how I'd be in for personal greatness in the future. And the funny thing was, we never talked much before. I think her name was Sarah. (For future reference, this was after the "Weird Al" Yankovic concert on October 31st, 1999, which will later get its own entry.) These incidences are amazing to me.
Well, I think I'll pop out and try looking at the stars again. I shouldn't worry for my personal safety - I mean, I'm surrounded by sheep. If they're not particularly agitated, I think the fields and hills will thus be clear.
The funny thing about all this is that I was born and also spent many years in this province, so you'd think that I'd be used to the empty roads, dark nights, etc., but spending eight years in the seaside metropolis has affected me a fair bit. All in all, I guess I like both the city and the country. See you tomorrow.
(It was beautiful, but the mosquitoes were much too bad to stay outside for long. The mosquitoes are far worse here than in my auny's town up east where they don't even have any some summers.)
Strangely, my first sentence isn't my earliest memory. Buried in my mind is a vauge recollection of being in a car with my aunt and uncle (the one's I've been staying with this summer) driving into the village where my mother's parents live. I wasn't yet two (barely one, really), but I definitely noticed when Aunt Shirley and Uncle Shane drove right past their driveway. I can't remember myself what I did to signal this knowledge, but Uncle Shane says that he said to Aunt Shirley that I was probably telling them they missed the turn. They drove around a bit, then came back again. Interesting.
The funny part is, until recently I don't think I was maturing any as I grew. Back when I was, say, four, I was way ahead of the game so to speak (I had taught myself to read by age three and change), but I think that because of this, I thought that I was finished growing up, and I was a smidgen arrogant about this point. Over the last couple years (months, even), I've finally realized that I won't ever be done growing up, and tonight I can see that I'm now 'behind' in maturity.
I'm not terribly mean or selfish. I try to be considerate - when it occours to me. I'm just not nearly as mature as, say, Joe. One of my favorite quotes from him goes, "I take offence to (my name) saying I'm not more mature than he is," although that quote is a little out of context, and not something he'd say now (at least not in those words). The whole thing related to a guestbook entry I posted on his website that related to his decision to stop working on said website.
Anyway, so why have I taken all these paragraphs to tell you of my development? (I hate the words behaviour, misbehaviour, outburst, and many others. I don't want to hear about them referring to me ever again. Grr.) It's just to say that some of my social interaction habits such as talking a little more than necessary (believe me, I've improved greatly on this over the last year or so!) were 'cute' when I was little; in other words, I was sort of encouraged to be the cynical, chatty, witty little four-year-old. Now why didn't I have the intelligence to concentrate on my decorum until now? I can only smile and blame myself. End interlude.
I saw a meteor a moment ago; after I had turned all the lights out and shone a flashlight along the fence to make sure one of the sheep hadn't gotten caught in it - they were making a lot of noise. I'm pretty sure that's what it was, though it moved horizontally and not too quickly. It was white in color and it wasn't really bright, but bright enough to be seen easily. In the back of my mind, something shouted, "wow, an experimental craft!" I didn't see the meteor disappear because my viewing angle wasn't wide enough, but characteristically it did appear out of nowhere, and I suppose a horizontal incoming meteor would have to travel through more air and thus move more slowly. It was still pretty fast and distant though (that is, it would be considered fast if it weren't a natural object), but unless supersonic aircraft are being tested over the strait between this island and the mainland (in which case I suspect they'd have their running lights out - and there's almost no way they'd be of that brightness at that distance), it was surely a meteor. Point of interest - meteors fall virtually all the time, and the brightest ones usually don't have anything to do with the meteor showers.
You'd be surprised by how much natural phenomenon is mistaken for aliens, military, or whatever. Even the planet Venus is routinely mistaken for a U.F.O. (although, in being unidentified by the observer, I guess it is a U.F.O. by definition), as it is bright enough to cast a shadow on the ground of our own planet when it comes close by.
If you had a telescope, you'd probably notice that when Venus is really bright, it shows up as a crescent and not a 'full' object (such as Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, et al. nearly always appear). Actually, you can't see Venus from here when it would be completely and exactly 'full' to us, because it will be directly behind the Sun from our point of view. I believe this is called opposition. And when the planet is directly between us and the Sun, you can't really see it because we're facing its dark side. Work it out in your head, and you'll see why the planets between here and the Sun show up as crescents.
The mosquitoes are just crawling on the screen of the open window to my right. I'm glad I haven't opened any of the doors! Last night, they were so bad that they kept me awake for nearly fifty minutes. I guess they gotta bite something...
The Republic has been deeply angered, and they are ready to go to war. Unfortunately, they lack a state to go to war with. Such is the cowardly, pathetic nature of terrorism.
From a religious standpoint, I think the behaviour of the suicide hijackers and the terrorist cells are all too formulaic. The reward isn't now, it's in the hereafter. Everyone is wrong except us - only we know the true way. Why don't I hijack the planes myself? You need me as your leader! Where would you be without me?
Other than that, I'll let the news sites keep you informed. I can't hope to compete - I don't even think I'd want to.
Someone actually sent me an e-mail through here. That's a first - a very positive one. Now my problem is this - I haven't figured out how to use Diaryland for outgoing e-mail. I won't let that person go without a "thank you" reply, however.
I'm starting to get the feeling that the bus people would actually like people to wait for the busses - but I got along just splendidly today! Everything was down to the wire, but I both arrived at the University early and got back home early. As my Uncle Shane often says, "life is timing."
Whew. Yeah, I'm stalling a little before going on to complain about work. In other news, I never did get to ask that woman out (she wasn't around at a meeting), but I'll get the chance to see her again Sunday night.
But then, why her? I only like her slightly more than other women - but she probably is one of the prettier women that I actually know. Yeah, I've learned that rule - you should know someone before you ask them out. Or should I? I HATE THIS!! Why in God's name can't people just wear a goddamn sign that says, "Hi, my name is [my name], and I'm looking for a girlfriend. I like people with patience and a sense of humor." Then, I'd look for a sign that said "Hi, my name is [her name], and I'm looking for a boyfriend. I like people who are intelligent, funny, and honest - perhaps unconventionally so." Wouldn't that be so simple? I mean, it would be a lot better than any of these online matchmaking services - I'm way too cheap to actually buy credits to contact people. I hate the way they run those things - it's so stupid. I should just withdraw from all of them, especially the one that was going to make me pay just to reply to a message.
Ergh. Yeah, I'm kind of frustrated.
On a brighter note, I've been straightening up the clutter in my life a little. Last night, I finally got everything from the summer unpacked and put away. Today, I sorted and arranged six months of e-mail. It's amazing how fast things can pile up. Ugh.
"Weird Al" Yankovic might consider rewriting his song "Spam" from the UHF album, even though the original is a classic. People don't think of the food item anymore - it's now stuff a bunch of inconsiderate bastards send you, hijacking your e-mail account and rendering the thing useless.
Really, I sincerely hope no one is trying to contact any long lost friends on M$N Hotmail. The probability of any meaningful communication getting through there diminishes by the day.
It has to be seen to be believed. I signed up an e-mail address for correspondence from only one website (not this one). E-mail from that site makes up about a tenth of a percent of the total mail. And I whine, "but I didn't give this address to ANYONE!"
The spammers evidently don't even need spambots or other tricks anymore. They just crack through and send their crap to every single Hotmail account at once - repeatedly. They even use subject headers like "hi," or "hello," or "Are you still mad at me?" How the fuck are we supposed to tell the difference between spam and important messages anymore? The only way to keep all the spam messages out (at least at Hotmail) is to raise the bar so high that messages from people you weren't talking to before (or even people trying to contact you through the Hotmail Member Directory!!) will be left in the dust with the spam. I miss the at-least-partly customizable filters. Microsoft needs to get off their ass and do something about this, not just at Hotmail. With their clout, they could do a lot to stop spammers. Bottom-feeding bastards.
What is pissing me off now is that I recieved a message about the attack on the Republic. The top of the message had a couple of links to legitamite web sites. The bottom part tried to sell me life insurance. Give me a break.
Oh, and here's a quick tip. Don't look for your porn in spam e-mail or newsgroup messages. Hit the search engines instead; that way you're not helping the spammers. Money goes into their referral accounts when you click on those links.
For more information, look up 'anti-spam' or something like that in your favorite search engine.
It's a very wet morning here in the seaside metropolis.
On the so-called All Weather Highway coming in, the rain was coming down so hard at times that visibility was zero. I let a gravel truck in front of me do the navigating, and I followed his turns and brakings.
Once in the city's largest bourough, I hydroplaned my way down the final section of highway, and waded through the intersections down on the street level. There was a lot of water on the road - rib deep in places. I drove through it all laughing; I was in an old-school sport utility vehicle.
Funny, I don't usually drive right down to the university. This morning, though, I was encouraged to drive all the way in because I had to drop off a dentist bill for my mother. If I didn't drive, I'd be doing a lot of walking in the pouring rain. Hey, that sounds like a song...
I slept in too late to have much hope of making my first class. I felt that I could stand to miss my professor's final Paradise Lost lecture - I find them discomforting. I try to get myself to laugh about Eve, Lucifer, and all them characters - but it's difficult with the professor seemingly throwing her faith into the lecture.
I'm going to go on the record and say that I'm not a big fan of Paradise Lost . The academic detachment just isn't there for me, and I can't enjoy it. I feel that it's merely a glorified retelling of the damn creation story, and while the new presentation is very poetic, I'm already much too familiar with the supposed events.
In the previous lecture, I felt that the flow of things needed to be disrupted, so I commented that I thought it was pretty depressing that a woman is implicated for the fall of mankind (from what?! Who in the Hell can possibly think that we were ever 'perfect?' Are they insane?! Why are there so many carnivores in the Garden, anyway? What the hell did they eat? Yeah, I think the creation story, part and parcel, is a stupid repressive piece of crap. So there you have it.), and that, with the Tree of Knowledge (standing among all those ignorance bushes, I suppose), willful ignorance is equated with holiness and wisdom with sin.
[willmatheson.com bonus note: Ever notice how fundementalists are always jumping all over the place to explain away thing in the Bible that are inconsistent or nonsensical? They sound like Trekkies trying to explain and patch up some inconsistency in a Trek episode, don't they? "In episode 128, the stardate was 39271.6, but in episode 129 it was 39270.9. This is because of distortions in the 'space-time continuim,' and the effect of travelling at high relativistic speeds." = "Bishop Claudius has calculated the exact age of the Universe to be 5,907 years, 4 months, 10 days, 3 hours, and thirty minutes!" = "Did they have to use the bathroom in the Garden of Eden?" = "'Can my dog go to Heaven?' 'No, they do not have a soul that can be annointed.'" = "Captain Kirk could kick Captain Picard's ass!!"]
Even I was uncomfortable commenting on that, and I'm one of the most agressive atheists I know. A lingering echo of Christianity still inside me made me feel slighty off about saying those things. Actually, no, it was the atmosphere of the class. They were buying it. I wasn't. I was cheering for the bad guys, anyway - I can do that because I don't believe they even exist. I mean, look at the way animals (including us) have to behave - it's a cruel, yet beautiful world out there, and I don't think we've ever needed (or recieved) the assistance of super-beings for good or ill. And as far as God is concerned - well, to quote John Proctor from The Crucible, "I say... God is dead!" Either that, or we're all pieces of God, or something...
I succeeded in my aim to disrupt the seamless course of the preaching. My comment wasn't answered at all to my satisfaction (they rarely are - I've only had one or two professors here that actually try to address my queries head-on), but she did say something about how we didn't have to believe, and that was only the second time in three days that we've had any academic distance from the damned thing whatsoever. And the people in my class didn't feel incined to even glance at me; I think that some of them don't like me very much anymore.
In Paradise Lost, Milton says something to the effect that his story isn't necessairily better writen than, say, Homer's epics; but that his story is about something greater. What a bunch of arrogant nonsense (I made a comment hinting to that effect as well early on in the series of sermons). As far as I'm concerned, The Iliad and The Odyssey are better stories because 1) they're more original and 2) they don't pretend to be It. Or maybe they do - maybe I'm just more comfortable with the Greek and Roman stories due to the academic distance. I honestly don't know.
I think I'm probably being too hard on my professor, but I only care about that so much as to realize that my ideas can indeed be deeply flawed. I won't care entirely until she can demonstrate that she's not at all taken in, and so far she's been demonstrating that she's completely taken in. This is not satisfactory - I am paying good money - cash! - to attend this university, and I want to be taught by teachers who can think better than I can. So far, I've only had a few teachers that can think better, or that decide to use their thinking skills - I should do what Paul Lutus would do and change shools. Actually, he would more likely just give up on school. Sigh. What the hell am I doing here? I should just go and get a programming diploma at the provincial community college for a quarter of the costs that I incur here.
To conclude this, I think that you lose some of your reasoning skills when you hold onto any old beliefs or ideas. You need to be able to adjust on the fly. Please try; become adaptable.
Why can't all the people I talk to be this chatty? I wondered how 'he' was able to reply so fast.
The thing I really hate about these spammers is that they have no wit. If they're going to set up a spam bot to do the same thing over and over forever, the least they can do is spell the messages right.
--------------------------------------
ICQ History Log For:
140183661 140183661
Started on Fri Nov 23 23:59:18 2001
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140183661 11/23/01 23:36 Hi ! My friend told me you are hot ... I'm
a hot bisesxual girl and I'm looking for somebody to do a three some with
me and one of my friend . We can move all over the country we don't mind
we have a lot of time . But please I ask you first to go visit my site
because I want you to see me and know me before ...
Before any answer please go see me there :
http://www.thunderfree.com/Babes/Sexy
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:39 Of course you want people to visit the site. You probably get five cents for every hit. Preying on all these innocent sex-starved male teenagers and older... and of course your porn spam is probably equal opportunity, meaning that old grannies and little children get to be ... well, I guess it's not THAT bad. Your language wasn't too explicit.
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:39 But still, give me a break, okay? You guys are so unoriginal, too. I could be a way better spammer than any of you if I checked my scruples at the door.
140183661 11/23/01 23:39 Hello : )
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:41 It talked! The spambot talked! =) Seriously, though, what makes you think you get free clearance to cover ICQ with the 'ol promos? That's what Hotmail is for - I should know, 95% of my Hotmail is spam.
140183661 11/23/01 23:41 Are you interested in icqis ?
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:44 Nope. I've never even heard of it.
The only ICQ enhancements I'd personally be interested in are ones that tell you if people are really online (I actually have friends who just sit in invisible mode all the time), or ones that show ip numbers so I can trace people who harass me or try to pull a scam or something. But even that's not really interesting to me.
140183661 11/23/01 23:44 i'm ICQIS bot !
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:46 Uh-huh. Are you, then, the great ICQ Spam God? Responsible for EVERY SINGLE "not in list - database error," "e-mail express," and ... wow. I feel humbled. I bow before your psuedo-criminal money-making prowess.
140183661 11/23/01 23:46 i'm ICQIS bot !
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:47 Yeah, I heard ya.
140183661 11/23/01 23:47 ?
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:47 Well you said you were the ICQis bot, twice. I said I heard you. =)
140183661 11/23/01 23:47 Are you interested in icqis ?
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:49 NO NO NO NO NO NO
I'm just trying to talk to a spammer?! I guess that failed...
140183661 11/23/01 23:49 May the other part also be heard.
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:49 Huh? Am I talking to a human here - I suspect I'm not.
140183661 11/23/01 23:49 what is your local time ?
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:50 Umm... GMT -4. Atlantic Standard. 11:50pm. Why?
140183661 11/23/01 23:50 Hope you enjoy it ; )
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:51 Enjoy what?
140183661 11/23/01 23:51 This is my best site... : )
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:51 Uh-huh. Well what the hell maybe I will check it out and flood my screen with pop-up ads and redirects.
140183661 11/23/01 23:52 This is my best site... : )
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:53 You just said that! Helloooooooo?
Okay, here's a test to prove if you're a human. Write a two ('2') in your next message.
140183661 11/23/01 23:54 Hello : )
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:55 Well I think we just fixed that then. Good-night. See you. Not.
140183661 11/23/01 23:56 Hello : )
Delphi Six 11/23/01 23:56 All this blistering criticism, all put to waste...
140183661 11/23/01 23:56 Hello : )
Well, yet another day goes by in the life of William in which he has accomplished nothing. Here's a list of everything I did today, minus personal functions and eating and sleeping:
- 11:00am: Talked to Kim on the phone. Kim is a woman who found me through ICQ; we've been talking for about a week, and we had plans to go out tomorrow afternoon and evening.
Then I went to sleep until 5:00.
- 6:00pm: Watched and taped the Vanier Cup, where my university won the CIS Football Championship.
- 7:30pm: Recieved phone call from Kim asking me if it's okay if we go out "some other weekend." Blearggh. Foiled by visting relatives yet again - I lost a prom date this way! It's not her fault or anything, but I felt pretty bad after I hung up the phone; there goeth my weekend, and now I'm doomed to spend sunday singing and dining with a bunch of church people. Whoopee.
- 11:00pm: Read some Calvin and Hobbes books.
- 1:00am: Got on the computer.
Wow, doesn't my life sound exciting?! I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING today, and I've got an exam on tuesday, plus two writing assignments I've got to hurry up and hand in. Argh! How did I ever get so far behind? And the further behind I get, the less I get done! I can't stand it.
To top it off, a depressed woman I kind of like is calling me an asshole. Wonderful. Grrr. At least there's wrestling (WWF Vengeance) to look forward to next weekend. I humbly thank the director guy and his girlfriend for consistently coming through every couple of weeks to get me out of the house.
I figure it might be a good idea for me to pop in a diary entry now. I'll write something more thoughtful sometime in the next couple of days.
Good news, everyone! My suffering is over - thus endeth my month-long fit of quasi-depression and apathy. I was thinking too much about all kinds of aspects of my life - oddly, my angst about not / never having had a girlfriend was way down the list. Academics took top seat this time, with me leaving most of my term's work to the last couple of weeks in November. It just goes to show - give me time, and I will find a way to squander it doing everything but what's important to my studies.
Usually, I don't let academics worry me at all. What sunk me was the new reality that, in my Writing Fiction class at least, my laziness and lack of dedication was no longer possible to hide. The second story I turned in was an utter piece of shit - barely even acceptable. Sure, it was a story, but it bit. And so I plunged deeper and deeper into a miserable state, for I had more things to worry about than just getting a story ready. My sleep suffered - even just last night (or this morning, I suppose), I was up "all night" finishing one of my commentaries for the class that I should have had done for sometime in October, and also doing other random things on the computer, and then I had to go into town to drop off my semester's work in a folder. Just coming back from a trip for groceries, I am very tired right now. I often felt worthless and aimless. Hopefully next semester will go better.
This is what I wrote to my professor about my situation:
=============================================
Why I've Been An Asshole - Not an Excuse by William Matheson
I once thought that I deserved a C or C- for a grade in this class. After reconsidering the horrid piece of shit that is the current incarnation of "A Mistake" I now know that I deserve an F. My assignments were perpetually late, half the time I didn't get other people's stories read before classes began, and I generally made an ass of myself in many ways. I didn't take this course seriously enough, which is an insult to you, a talented (and more importantly, hard-working) writer.
Actually, I deserve an F in many of my courses. If I was graded according to how much work I really did and what I was capable of, I would have flunked out long ago. Everything I do now is shit, and I'm not even inclined to upgrade the shit to the acceptible Saint Mary's standard of crap. This semester has been my worst ever. I thought that I had the opportunity to excel beyond my wildest dreams because I was taking so few courses. That COULD have happened if I was a mature and responsible person (which I'll probably be more towards by the time I graduate - see that's the funniest thing. I will be the least deserving person ever to get a Batchelor's Degree, yet I will still get one because I will slip though unnoticed, cynically manipulating the system.), but what happened instead was I became the laziest, most decadent, most amotivated person to walk the planet.
My former English Composition professor tells me that I should "work hard," and I'm beginning to see why. At the very least, I should take this course much more seriously than anything I've ever done because everything I do here impacts on others. If I write a shitty paper or midterm for an average class, I only hurt myself. Here, I hurt lot's of people. I'm not sure what to think of this. It hardly makes me euphoric, so next semester, provided I'm not expelled for being an ignoramus, I'll try something else.
If I fail this course (and I should, but I'll probably get a D just because I *did* most of the crap - pardon my presumption, but at least it's there for you to see), then I imagine I'll quit university (I'd rather have an iBook than pay even more tuition to stay here), and maybe actually try working hard at something. It's not as if the world is going to hand itself to me on a silver platter, right?
To everyone else in the world, thing like this might seem common knowledge. Well, not to me. Even on those odd moments when I *am* disposed to think, the common wisdom of the world around me continues to fly straight over my head. Is it my fault? Well, it's my fault that I hand in shitty work, but this little articlelet has gone completely past that little problem, if you'll pardon me. So is it my fault that I just can't fit in? Well, I don't give a fuck about fault anymore, because I'm not some kind of self-depreciating self-pitying moron wrapped up in the culture of being a victim of others all the time. I'll just work with... the cards I'm dealt why oh why must I always resort to the easiest cliché? Why am I even talking about this? Where am I going with this? Nowhere!
The only good thing I can see about all this is that next semester I will be forced to write new, and hopefully better, *crappy* stories (as opposed to shitty stories). And now that I've finally handed in what didn't need to take nearly as long as it did to hand in, *my* suffering over not doing my work will cease. Even if I do get an F.
[willmatheson.com bonus note: I got a C+ and a comment that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, and that I can do much better.]
Mmm... I feel better now. Last night was just what I needed.
At my suggestion, the director guy and his girlfriend and I went to see Amélie at the old downtown theatre. Being there was an awesome experience. I felt like I was a true, intelligent movie-goer, surrounded by a literate and sophisticated crowd of film connisseurs.
Of course, I also loved the movie, and so did most of the audience. It was voted the audience favorite at our country's biggest film festival this year, and watching it, I just felt... happy. It was so good! Funny, heartwarming, outrageous, you name it! You simply must see this movie! Go! Before it's too late!
The gnome (ha-ha), Amélie's imagination, all her little schemes, the narration, the photography - oh, I'm laughing and smiling to myself remembering it all. This was easily the best movie I've seen this year. Hopefully it will be remembered at Oscar time - I don't hold that much stock in the awards, but that way even more people will see the movie. On the other hand, I'm kind of glad that it wasn't a Hollywood blockbuster - I probably wouldn't have went to see it, in that case.
Amélie - the happy little French movie. Please, do yourselves a favor and go see it. To my hometown audience (you know who you are), again, it's playing at the downtown theatre house (not one of our five multiplexes) until (at least) Thursday, December 13th. Showtimes are 6:45 and 9:10.
I also had a dream last night about the trip home after seeing the movie.
Picture it, it's nearly midnight, and I'm walking from the theatre on random streets towards a bus terminal. All the streetlights are out, so I'm afraid of running into some undesierables, which says something, because I'm not usually one to be afraid of walking around the city, even at night.
Among other things, I realize that I left my wallet at the theatre (not normal behaviour for me, to be sure - I'm almost never without my wallet when I leave the house), and so I'll have to panhandle a bus ticket off someone. I find two school acquaintances at a bus stop (for some reason, the sun is up now), and, since it's against the rules to panhandle, I have to whisper my request into their ears.
To my luck, they agree to this, and I'm suddenly on the bus, although it's more of a subway or a commuter train, really, because it's clean and white and the seats are comfy and all the people were my age. My mind and eyes are occupied with the many signs (you know, up where the ads are) that go over all the phrohibitions of panhandling and how whispering is understood to be panhandling.
I'm busy talking to people everywhere - one of those delightful situations where I am the centre of attention. A woman from further back comes up to me and asks me why I was whispering (or something to that effect), and I just smile and innocently whisper back. Everyone laughs. You know, I seemed wittier in the dream! Dreams don't make much sense on a computer screen, do they? =)
A woman I knew from childhood pops up from the seat in front of me to the left and asks if I am 'Will' or 'William' (shhh! That's your reward for reading this far!). Then a slightly cruel but beautiful woman on the right says, "Is it true you don't have any friends?"
"What a thing to say!" I begin. But then I wake up. It was just about to get good, too! =)
Now I think I'll tell you people what's on for tonight. The director guy and his girlfriend are taking me to see WWF Vengeance tonight! Aren't they great? I love hanging around with them!
[removed section that spoke of another couple I know]
... just drive around and play with drugs. How boring. When I have a girlfriend, and we're wealthy, we'll have to show them some *good* double dates for a change.
Later, all!
Current Mood: Happy and content.
Current Music: Elton John - Songs from the West Coast
This excerpt from an e-mail to my Uncle Shane says it all:
The weather wasn't great on Sunday. I ran into a electric pole and destroyed the Wagoneer. I'm fine, but the rig is a write off as the frame is bent. I was going a reasonable speed (40 km/h, somewhat less by the time of impact - and going uphill!), but the Jeep decided that it wanted to go off the road. I should have known from before that the 4wd on the thing coudln't be trusted - it's gotten me very very close to serious trouble many times before. I lose control of the vehicle at the oddest times - usually when travelling slowly going straight. It is somewhat my fault - the worst part is that I didn't even have to be on that street! Well, at least I'm fine, but the sad part is that when I was going "NOOOOO! I'm gonna go over the curb! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I'm gonna hit the - BOOM," I was really only thinking of the bloody vehicle. "Oh, no, the insurance!" and all that, even as my head smacked the wheel, destroying my glasses. Fortunately, they're still under warranty, so I'll be getting new frames of the same type. It took great effort for me to stop being a drama queen about the vehicle when the fire department arrived.
If I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, I imagine I might have been incapacitated. If I was speeding, the same. If I was doing both, I'd be dead. Anyway, I'm grateful that I'm okay, and I'll take down the lesson to ALWAYS travel by the most obvious (ie: salted) route in the winter.
So thus endeth the life of my mother's 1988 American Motors Jeep Wagoneer Limited. 1987-2001. Rest in peace. Naturally, we don't have collision insurance. Well, I suppose I should be glad that I'm alive, really.
Surprisingly, I still made it to the wrestling that night. I was a little dazed, though, as (I've said) my glasses were broken and I was stressed and overtired. The place we went was uptown and not downtown, and it bit. The food was too expensive and it didn't even taste very good. The televisions weren't very good, and the images were off a little on the tint and color level and painful to watch. The sound was horrid. We'll be going downtown in January, for sure.
I feel good today because I've been up since 5:30 taking care of the backlog in my e-mail. Composing things gives me a sense of accomplishment that I've been lacking lately.
I've been up so early the last two days because I've been going to bed so early. It's the exact opposite of the severe sleep-cycle problem I had through most of November. Now if only my feelings of apathy and disinterest in my own current situation would subside. Have I talked about how much I think I'm just wasting my money by going to university? I think I have.
Anyway, Christmas is almost here, and it's time to be cheerful and giving, no? So pretty soon I'll be shopping for others and also taking a trip to the island agricultural province at some point. December will be fun, and it's my favorite month of the year. No classes and exams only in the first week might have something to do with this outlook.
Current Mood: Good, though recovering from a previous deadness to everything caused by the accident.
Current Music: Yasunori Mitsuda - Xenogears Original Soundtrack
Well, it's official. I've decided to go back to being an agnostic again. This is with a little sadness though, as I rather liked being an atheist.
Do I believe in "God?" No, no and nope, so that would still make me an atheist in the eyes of some people. However, I've seen some things in the last few days (which I will discuss in due time) that make me fully realize that it's okay to be happy and full of awe and just feel... It's hard to explain. Or perhaps I'm just too lazy to.
Lately I have been percieving pressures from outside minds that have backed me into a corner, forcing me to defend my unbeliefs to the end. This ended up becoming a nasty paradox however, for one of my highest principles was that nobody should be made to buckle in or defend their beliefs for or to anything.
Now, I think being an atheist so long will continue to be a valuable experience for me. You can't buy that kind of skepticism, and I think everyone needs to hone in their sense of "this is bullshit!" If it looks too good to be true, if it looks like a bunch of hoo-hah, then it probably is.
Really, I can only see pluses from this move... now. My reasoning has developed enough now that I'm no longer afraid of being cast into Hell for not walking the road everyone else is taking or other such nonsense. Hmmm... now isn't it funny that the people who get the most out of the world usually do something different somehow with their lives - no wonder the establishments would feign to incurr eternal wrath to discourage such behaviour!
That was the biggest problem. Just lately I thought that where I am now was the end of my ijhtighas89q2n98vh journey. (I am not going to say 'spiritual,' because that implies that I'm on the road to find Jesus or some such shit. No offense to Jesus there - I'm sure the fellow would understand what I mean.) But as Captain Spock said in Star Trek VI, "Logic is the beginning of wisdom, Lieutennant Valeris, not the end." I'm just now realizing the significance of that statement. Not that I'm going to automatically fall for something an actor says in a Paramount movie. I've got a reputation to uphold! (That was my whole problem; I needed to find a way out of the hole I was in without taking back everything I established for myself and looking like yet another foolish atheist who found religion. I still hate those stories.) It just speaks to me somehow. Everything I see seems a little different now. I feel quite free and at ease - as happy as I was when I first declared myself an agnostic.
Ah, those wonderful Grade 12 days... One day, I'd be on top of the world; the next I'd be clutching my head and screaming in percieved pain and agony and real angst and fear of something everyone says is there but hopefully isn't. Now I hope to walk a fine line. I want to be open, yet skeptical. I want to fly, yet be grounded. Yes, it's a contradiction, but I've always felt like a walking human contradiction anyway. I'm sure I'll survive - and more importantly, I'll be happier. I think I've learned something now.
Current Mood: Optimistic.
Current Music: Isao Mizoguchi - Lunar 2: Eternal Blue COMPLETE - Music Soundtrack
Oh, it's the holidays and I feel oh so dreary. I'm in the agricultural island province now though, a slight lift to my spirits.
I feel like Christmas never came. Sure, I got lots of presents, but I feel like the whole "feel-good" part of it came and went. Sure, I feel okay right now but that has more to do with my personal holiday here than with the "holiday season."
I also feel abandoned and friendless. [digression removed]
I guess feeling good requires effort. [digression removed]
Mostly, I just feel abandoned by my peers. My graduating class. Why don't I have any friends there? (The director guy is from the following year, and Joe is from three years following!) The only time they ever seem to think of me is when they run into me at the malls. Am I no more than a forgotten old relic? I get the feeling I've covered all this misery territory before, so what's the use in revisiting it?
What do I expect to have happen? Do I hope for some woman to swoop down out of nowhere and start caring about me and, almost more importantly, allow me to care about her? I feel like everyone and everything runs away from me when I care. Of course, that was back when grade school made me into a really warped person. I hope things might be different now. I'd give my eye teeth for the opportunity to see.
There's a woman in my English class I want to ask out. I'm desparately hoping she's single. That she'll say yes. That someone likes me.
For the last couple of years, love and affection have seemed so artificial to me. It has to be generated. People tell me things like, "oh it'll come to you when you stop looking," but what kind of consolation is that? I want someone to care about me NOW! I want to be free to care about and share things with someone without having to worry that they'd flee the country or something. I want to fall asleep crying in someone's arms NOW! What's it take, huh?
Wait, wait, wait. Much as I love to complain about my situation, I do have a lot of things to be happy about. Like... Well, like how... Um... Well I have lots and lots of... Er... See... I have my family here. They like me here. That's what I have.
I don't care what anyone says, wanting a woman doesn't make me the least bit pathetic. It's only the mass culture and advertising and the occaisional internet idiot who shows up at someone's door with flowers and a knife.
Sigh... Why should I bother writing diary entries, anyway? Do they only serve to depress me? Well, I feel like I need to do this. I want to share my feelings and writings with everyone, and I like the feeling of accomplishment I get with every new entry. Speaking of accomplishment, I need to get started on my next short story. Maybe later...
Current Mood: A little sad but kind of hopeful.
Current Music: The Who - Who's next
Yayy! My first entry of the new year is here. Nothing too special here, though.
What I should be doing is working on my 'real' website. It's way overdue for some new content. Things tend to happen in late winter and spring though - fall seems to be my least productive time of year, and that's all over with.
Last night I logged onto ICQ and noticed that very few of my contacts were online. Desparate for someone to talk to, I loaded up... steel yourselves now... MSN Messenger.
I hadn't used MSN in over a year, but since another person using this machine had installed updated software, I was interested in giving it a go. I still found the interface a little simplistic compared to ICQ, however. MSN still does not compare to ICQ in terms of features or power. For instance, you still can't send offline messages, you can really only search for people by their names; basically MSN is where ICQ was in 1998, albeit more reliable than ICQ was in 1998.
In MSN, if you want to meet someone new, you do not use features like ICQ 2000 or later's built-in whitepages search or the Random Chat / Chat With A Friend feature - MSN does not hold such extravagant capabilities. Instead, one hits the chat rooms.
The chat feature was actually a bit of a surprise. There were many rooms to choose from ("!!!!!!!!!!SEX!SEX!SEX!!!!!!!!!!"), and lots of people to talk to ("FARM_BOY86 IS A FUCKING FAG!" "shut up prometh19!" "where are all the fucking women?" "any 15-18 hot women w/ nude photos plz pm me").
After a little while, just as I was getting bored enough to send MSN back to the system tray, I get a pm ("private message") from a woman asking me for a photo. I explain to her that I'm not on my own computer, so why not check out my website instead? She doesn't want to go for this, but she does continually ask me if I'm 'sexy.' I say I'm not really sure. I've always regarded myself as pretty decent looking and even kind of cute at times. In fact, I think I'd be a pretty bloody interesting catch for most women since I don't think I'm a typical guy at all, in a good way. I think I'd be great for some people.
Anyway, she says things like 'ask anyone at your house,' and I say things like 'I'd rather be judged by my writings than by my appearance alone,' and she even feigns to go along with this.
Then she sees the picture. It is a picture of me on top of my Grand Uncle Neil's horse at a family gathering. I think it's a pretty decent photo for someone like me who doesn't photograph well. It doesn't make me look fat, I'm wearing my smaller glasses, my hair is neat, and it's an action picture so it's not so apparent that I'm not smiling.
This is what she says, and I quote:
"ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"
I respond with "What did you expect? I told you-" but then of course she disconnected, or just chose to appear disconnected (MSN's answer to ICQ's 'visibility' features).
There's just no pleasing some people.
Current Mood: Happy and content - this happened last night, remember?
Current Movie: Octopussy, on WTBS Atlanta.
Anyway, I guess that's enough Wisdom from my journal for now.
