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A View from the Solarium RETRACTION: This one is probabally the funniest on my site... wish I had written it first.

            The funny thing about this "essay" is that I didn't write it. My friend Zachary got hold of a list similar to this, and he is responsible for about half the items on it. ADDENDUM for May 29th, 1998: While net surfing, I found that he actually robbed it from here, and now he will probably kill me. =) If you like it (I found it so funny that I was practically on the floor with laughter!), E-Mail him, and maybe you can even view his webpage. Suffice it to say, he thought my page sucked, so you and he probably have a lot in common!! =)

                                     HOW TO BE A MORON

            -The 96 commandments of Moronism, created by the twisted mind of I, Zachary.

• Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
• Drum on every available surface.
• Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
• Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Ask 800 operators for dates.
• Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
• Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
• Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
• Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
• Specify that your drive through order is "to go".
• Set alarms for random times.
• Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
• Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
• Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
• Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
• Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
• Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
• Wear your pants backwards.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
• Begin all your sentences with "ooh lá lá!"
• Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
• Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
• ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
• only type in lowercase.
• Dont use any punctuation either
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
• Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
• Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
• Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:   -"Do you hear that?"   -"What?"   -"Never mind, it's gone now."
• Light road flares on a birthday cake.
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
• Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
• Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
• When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
• Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
• Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.  (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
• Drive half a block.
• Name your dog "Dog".
• Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
• Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
• Cultivate a Norwegian accent.  If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
• Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
• Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
• Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
• Change your name to Aaaaaron Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book.  Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
• Wear a LOT of cologne.
• Ask to "interface" with someone.
• Listen to 33 rpm records at 45 rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
• Sing along at the opera.
• Mow your lawn with scissors.
• At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
• Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".
• Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook.  Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
• Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
• Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Never break eye contact.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
• Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

• Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Make appointments for the 31st of September.
• Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
• Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know via E-Mail.

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