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The History of the World by RICHARD LEDERER
A View from the Solarium RETRACTION: See following comment.
NOTE: This is not written by me, but Mr. Law showed it to me at school, then I pulled down this copy off the internet.
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an
essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers
throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians
built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.
Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but
they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make
bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had
500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he
became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last
hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars
in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they
fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very
long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his
poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod
mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of
the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value
of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops,
they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only
because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's
famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince
Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same
time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hole". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
"Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing
about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the
was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people
died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs
were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from
the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under
each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the
United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which
he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux
Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called
"Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian and half English.
He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the
theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of
Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but
since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria
was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a
great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse
invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the
"Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
This article has been widely circulated by the author on the Internet.
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