Women

Women are the bane and joy of our society. And they are crazy.

I'm not talking about neuroses here, everyone has those, and I have more than most women. I am talking about... well, I actually don't know what I'm talking about. For that matter, I don't even know why I'm writing this. Am I complaining? I mean, this place is called "Critic At Large", right?

Well, I'm not *complaining* about women... not entirely. Nitpicking would be a better term.

Let's start with my story. I have been having terrible luck (if you could call it that) with women over the last four years. Before this current time, I was actually in two 'unrelationships' with one woman, then another, and I think there was serious love-feelings going on in both. But I haven't been 'in love' since grade nine, and the most I could say about my feelings for any girls at my high school would be 'lust' ('like' and 'lust' are interchangeable, if I want to be nice, I'll say 'like') and/or 'obsession'. Not one female out of over six hundred is my type, not *one*! (I should know, I've been there for four years!) How is that? Do I need to find someone as looney as myself? Is that even possible?

Well, I'm not writing a complaint about being lonely; I am here to appraise women in general. The things that frustrate me, to be specific.

Firstly, there are the fun situations where a *very* cute grade 11 girl is soliciting criticism about her new hair coloring. (There are no names at Critic At Large.) The back-of-the-bus conversation goes something like this:

GIRL: My hair looks terrible.
"L": No it doesn't, it looks nice.
"L2": Yeah, it looks great.
GIRL: No it doesn't, it looks terrible.
OTHER GIRL: Of course not, it looks great.
(repeat sixteen times)
GIRL: No it doesn't, it looks terrible.
MYSELF: Well, your hair *style* is absolutely gorgeous, but...

THINGS NOT TO COMPLETE THIS SENTENCE WITH:
"... your hair coloring looks like someone threw a paintball in your face."

THINGS YOU HEAR AFTER THE COMMENT:
GIRL: I so hate you now.

THINGS YOU HEAR A WEEK AFTER THE COMMENT:
BUDDY: [GIRL] wants your head on a platter.

That's the major complication that happens when anyone, guy or girl, is depreciating him or herself in front of others. Sometimes you hear someone agree! =) Of course I told Ni- I mean, this girl, that I was kidding (about 35,000 times), but I think it might have been better for me to just smile and nod in the first place. But what would a guy know?

I have another peeve. There is no polite way to say that a woman is... um, well endowed, right? Even I have enough sense to avoid comments to that regard entirely. But some guys seem to like making these comments anyway, but behind their backs, so to speak. Sometimes all I have to do is mention a girl's name in conversation, and the first thing I hear is, "She's got a nice rack, doesn't she?". Not that I terribly mind hearing other people talk, but from my perspective decency forbids such appraisals. But back to my point, there is no polite way to tell a woman that you *really* lust for her gorgeous body, but at least you can say that you like them for being nice to you.

I think this leads into another problem that all straight guys and gay women share. You just can't help seeing women's... er, right. Well, it's not like we're even trying to check people out... it's nigh impossible to avoid! I mean, if you don't break eye contact you look like a psycho, and if your eyes wander sideways it looks like you don't want to listen to them, and if you don't look at them at all it's even worse! What on earth are you going to do? The only straight guys and gay women who can honestly say they've never had this problem are the ones who have been blind since before puberty!!

But enough about physical details. What goes on inside a woman's head could fill galactic libraries, so we won't really discuss that at all. What really does irk me, though, are the outside reactions that some women are stupid enough to show. Here's some timely excerpts from "Emotional Grab Bag":

- And jacket or no, a lot of girls who go by me on the stairs look at me like I'm the guy from Psycho come to kill them in the shower. It's even worse when I happen to be climbing up behind someone. They will think that I'm trying to follow them to their class (why else would they look back over their shoulders nervously every five seconds), or possibly worse things that I don't want to know. But this only seems to happen with the girls. The guys just give me these odd, knowing looks like I'm some sort of freak.
- Many of the grade 10 girls seem to think I've come back to CPA this year just to prey on them. Get a grip.

It's true! It happens to me every bloody day! <sigh>

Well, there's nothing to be done about it. Women are (generally) perfect the way they are, and without them, we wouldn't have any happiness in our lives. That's why women deserve the General Rating of...

Topic / Item:   Women
Rating:            ***** (out of *****, in ½* increments) View ratings info.

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